2011 - reflections of a lost year...

Despite the title this is not a pity party blog, but is just a reflection of how I feel about 2011.


I am calling it the lost year, because I haven't made any major steps forward this year. I am not saying I regret the year or that I want to forget the year... I had good times, but as far as my goals are concerned I didn't make progress..


Fitness & Nutrition:
I feel like this year I have re-instated all of the bad habits that I had managed to overcome, my food habits have become worse, my alcohol intake has increased and my gym consistency has reduced.


Mental Clarity:
My determination and focus has disappeared this year. I didn't set 'true' goals so I had nothing to focus on. The mindset of 'I'll do it tomorrow..' has seriously kicked my ass and caused me to procrastinate over everything and never really get anything done.


Stats:
Jan 2011 - weight 154.4lbs, Body Fat 29.1%
Dec 2011 - weight 157.8, Body Fat 30.2%
Feb 2011 - Chest 95cm, Belly Button 83cm, Hips 102cm
Dec 2011 - Chest 102cm, Belly button 94cm, Hips 107cm

Family & Relationships:
Me & Matt... still spot on, still love him, still enjoying our life together, still on the same path and wanting the same things - what more do I say. Tt is still great, our life together is great... if I had to pick something then I would say more sex would be good - cheeky ;-)


Career:
I have taken a step forward in my career by getting rid of my victim mindset. I realised that I do enjoy what I do and that I am good enough at it. I do make mistakes (as do others) but I manage to shake them off easier than before meaning that I don't get hung up on them and cause a great big mist of negativity around me. I still need to keep my fingers tightly crossed when redundancies come round.

Extras:
I had an amazing holiday to Thailand and I am so looking forward to going back there in the future!
I had a trip to London and did all the touristy things - it was great
I am now an external carer for my parent-in laws and the things I am doing is making they're lives better
We took a weekend trip to De Vere Carden Park to play golf
I have been on a trip to Turkey and visited some old friends, took the in-laws - it was a good trip, lots of memories.
We have learned to be able to manage Laika's (my dog) stomach problems through a clean diet! 
I had a dramatic hair dye appointment and became red and love it!

Things that just don't work

1. Concentrating on the stuff I didn't do
2. Planning my workout plan around sessions that I never make it to
3. Eating too strictly that I fall off the wagon
4. weighin in daily
5. crash dieting

Tosca says - eat clean no calorie counting.
Jillian says - eat clean and calorie count
Bob says - eat clean and calorie count
Jamie Eason says = Eat clean, cal count and macros
Tuff chick did it by - Eat clean no calorie counting
Monica Brant - eat clean no cal counting
Body for Life - eat clean, no calorie

This is just a small bite of research that I have done because I am cross with myself. I can't seem to commit to a path or route to get to where I want to be. I am so used to going down the calorie counting route that I am frightened to move away from it. What if i stop and then never lose weight because I am not tracking what goes into my body? Not counting calories has made me lazy for tracking my food and then i think that I can be slack over what I am eating. Reducing my workout time has made me less focused and more likely to not nourish my body.

By not committing to a plan I am giving myself the opportunity to blunder around doing what i want in each moment and not focusing on the consequences. Take last night, we ate at a Thai restaurant.... It was an all you can eat buffet. There I was making choices and not really thinking about the consequences... oh I knew when I put the fried banana pieces in syrup on my plate that they weren' t a good choice but I wanted them anyway....that;s alright you say, a cheat once in a while is ok and I would agree if that was the only bad food choice I had made, but the bad food choices are more consistent than the good food choices.... Oh it is christmas you say....again if this was just something that was happening now fine, but it's been happening for months and it will go so way to explaining the additional 10lbs that I have gained recently!!!

I have told myself for weeks now that I need to work on some goals that are not scale related so that I have a focus, then the next time a fried banana chunk is tempting me I know why I am saying no....I can't seem to find the time to do this soul searching!
Why?
Is it because once I have made these goals I will have committed myself and i will have to do something to follow through...right now with no goals I can do what I want each day. Do I have a fear of commitment?
Is it because past experience seems to dictate that it is pointless because I never reach the goal in the end?
Is it just because I am lazy and can't be bothered doing the work?

Right now I kind of feel like I am fed up being the way I am, but can't be bothered to do anything about it...and whats the point especially with Xmas round the corner??

Ok, Ok you've been trying to tell me...!

So I learned a lot from the Jillian Michaels podcasts.. not only how to lose weight, but also lots of other 'mindhacks' and things to be aware of. I didn't always use them, but they were obviously stored in some filing cabinet in my brain because all of a sudden one of them has popped up.
Jillian would talk about how the subject of a podcast would be determined by 'what the universe was trying to tell her', so she would look at what had been a running theme through the things she read, the discussions she had, the experiences she was having in life. So if she seemed to pick up a few magazines and they all had an article about injury and then someone close to her got an injury and then someone wrote to her over facebook about an injury, she would realise that this theme was running through her week and discuss this in the podcast. She would often say that the universe will keep telling you this over and over until you take the action and learn the lesson and then you can move on.

Well everything I seem to look at, to listen to this last week or so seems to be going down the route of not calorie counting, just eating clean & working out. I must have read 4 articles over the weekend out of random magazines that all push me down this route. Whilst sorting out the Xmas tree I found an old book just stuffed under the sofa, it was a Jackie Warner book telling me not to count calories and that I need a lifestyle change.

So I laid out in the bath yesterday in my chocolate waffle bubble bath (oh if you can't eat it.... ) and thought this through. We all know I lost 20lbs, but I did it by reducing my basic calorie intake to 1200 ( and eating mostly clean), I would probably have a couple of cheats on top of that to tip me to more like 1400, but still... my focus was on calorie control and what has happened? Over the years since then I have gone to a more relaxed way of eating and bad habits have come back and I have put on 1/2 of that lost weight again. I will go from being super strict to binging and round again, so I have become the classic yo-yo dieter that I have always frowned upon, because I believe it is the worst thing you can do to your body.

So my new plan has been chosen.... I am going to focus on health, on eating an abundance of clean foods and treat it as a lifestyle overhaul, not just another quick plan to reduce my weight!

Talking of focus... That's my other problem. I need to flip my brain over. All the books and articles I have read about making goals say to focus on what you want not what you don't want... apparently the mind can't understand the word 'don't or do' so if you are thinking 'I don't wanna weigh 155lbs' your mind hears 'I wanna weigh 155lbs' I am a big one for this, I seem to constantly focus on the 'don't wants' and then I never seem to move forwards.  

So a new journey begins.... I am calling it Xmas with my Inner Athlete! It is where I pretend I am already at goal and act how I would in that instance and see what happens. No more 'don't wants', no more calorie counting...it's time to start enjoying the journey!!!

Wrong Direction..?

Once upon a time, there was a girl who began to learn about 'ultra' fitness... not just a 'I go to the gym 4 times per week and I eat well' kind of fitness, but a whole other level, a level where bodies are not just toned and taught but are ripped, the only lumps and bumps on the bodies are meant to be there, they are the biceps, the shoulders, the rounded glutes etc.. These 'ultra fit' women grace the covers of M & F Hers & Oxygen not Shape or other 'fitness' mags. These women take part in bodybuilding competitions. These women have a level of dedication, of total focus on their goals. These women live a life of health and well being. The girl wanted a piece of that life.

She researched and tried to put into practise what she learned.... things got in her way and things didn't always go to plan, but she was always able to bring herself back to the starting line, no matter how long she had been away... She wanted the life that the fitness, the dedication would bring and the years moved on whilst she continued trying, in fact 10 years went by since she had started and the goal was still a long way out in front. After a long time away she had increased in weight and body fat and knew she had to lose it. She researched again.... but this time the focus was on weight loss and her mind not the strength, dedication and clean eating as before. Jillian Michaels taught her everything that the girl now knows about weight loss and 20lbs were dropped! The confidence and attitude of this slowly disappeared and the bad habits started to creep in again along with 10lbs.

So where is the girl now...

She's lost. She's been trying for this goal and missing it for so long that she has given up. She has lost her focus and fire for the goal she has chased for so long.

So where does she go from here? She doesn't want to give up, she has been so close to reaching her goal that she knows she can get there again. She feels bad about herself, her look, her attitude and doesn't want to continue feeling that way. The bad habits have crept in so much that they have become second nature, instead of the automatic response being the healthy one, she so easily goes for the unhealthy one and at this time of the year it is so easy to do.

So she need to rethink her goals, look at what she wants and why she wants it and then road map her way there. Then start to take the steps she needs to, one day at a time. It's a difficult time of year to put these kind of plans in place... parties, meals out, roast dinners, trips away etc... but if she can make the 'healthy' choice then she will at least start to change the habits and stop feeling guilty, regretful etc....