I woke today with a pounding headache from the 2 glasses of wine I had last night and I know today will not be the day that I decide enough is enough, but instead it will be another day where I let myself off and eat as I please and skip the gym.
I grit my teeth as I search to find a pair of jeans to fit, one that doesn't give me a huge muffin top and find my green jeans, these are the jeans I bought before Christmas, my size 14's, the jeans that by now nearly a year on were meant to have been retired to my 'too big to wear' wardrobe, but instead they are still a critical part of my wardrobe. I sigh as I flick through the 'All Saints' clothes I own, flicking passed my favourite tops and tee-shirts until I find the most oversized one I own to camouflage the lumps and bulges that I wish weren't there.
I am up late and I am not organised, 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' the saying rings around my mind as I pour my first coffee of the day. I plan my food for next week - this time I will follow my plan, no giving in to comfort food because I am tired!
By 10:30 my shopping for next week is ordered, I am at work and breakfast is over - it has been treat Friday at work so it was Starbucks day and after a Large Caramel Latte and Almond Croissant I think a calorie allowance is a pointless exercise for the rest of the day. The morning passed in a caffeinated blur thanks to the amount of coffee I have drunk.....
At lunchtime I read and head for the Farm Shop. the Farm shop should mean some healthy choices, but there are too many goodies and my will power hasn't been exercised for sometime now - I reach for the roast pork sandwich, some crisps and a chocolate mousse for later in the afternoon...
The chocolate mousse has sent me over the edge, my blood sugar levels have been up and down all of the way through the day and they are at the bottom now. I feel crappy, tired and the mousse has made me feel sick. Even a large glass of water to dilute all of the food hasn't helped kick it out of my system. I just want to go home and relax... I find I am already looking forward to the glass of wine that could be waiting for me...
I find my mind wandering to the person I want to be, what I want to look like (think Nicole Wilkins, the off season look). How am I going to get there if I continue how I am. Bet she doesn't give in to the sickly chocolate mousse just because she feels like it - or the glass of wine at night after a bad day....noooo she is an athlete, she feeds her body with good fuels, she doesn't stick rubbish in her fuel tank... there is no wonder I feel rubbish all the time - all I put into my body is rubbish, 'You are what you eat!'
I hope to myself that tomorrow I can start this, start to be the person I want, not the person I dislike when I look in the mirror - maybe tomorrow will be that day....
It's 8:15, I've had a salmon red thai curry, a bath and 2 glasses of my usual rosé and I am ready for bed... My body is burned out from the ups and downs of sugar rush today.
Whilst I wait for bedtime, my hubby is watching sport on tv in the lounge whilst I sulk in the kitchen drinking wine and wishing I wasn't so weak.
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